I'm running behind for my Booster Club meeting.
Now I'll probably have to sit at the wobbly table.
Yello.
Well, Substitute Teacher of the Year, Peggy Hill.
Go on.
The high school? Teaching? Me?
Wait, who is this really?
Really?
Today? Yes, of course. Oh, no. Thank you.
Guess who is subbing for high school geometry teacher Tammy Charbonneau...
while she takes an eight-week, doctor-ordered, bed-rest, maternity leave?
- Me. Peggy Hill. - That was going to be my guess exactly.
This is the major leagues, Hank. The bigs, the show.
Oh, my God! Eight weeks. Do you know what this means?
It means that I have a pretty good chance of actually learning their names.
Everything's happening so fast.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
Tammy Charbonneau.
Peggy Hill.
Excuse me? Sefiora Miriam Caney?
Me llama Peggy Hill.
I have followed your career with such interest.
Seventeen years teaching high school Espafial...
you have never once gotten sick...
or if you have gotten sick, you have never called in sick.
Either way, I am subbing geometry.
Well, bienvenida a Arlen High.
My, what lovely spectacles.
The better to see promising new talent with.
Here you go.
ANNOUNCER: Number 33, David Kalaiki Alii, The Flying Hawaiian!
He says aloha to the end zone...
andaloha to the Temple Tigers.
It means both hello and goodbye.
My wife is Polynesian.
Arlen High is unstoppable!
[All cheering excitedly]
First order of Booster Club business.
How's the programs coming for next week's game? Terrel.
As you all know, the money from the programs...
help pay for the cheerleaders' shoes.
Every business owner here has taken out...
ad space in this week's program...
except Dale Gribble of Dale's Dead-Bug.
My secretary messed up again? She is so fired.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
And the man walked around the world and said to the king:
"Sir, I come from France.
"Sir-com e for-a nce."
You see?
[Peggy chuckling]
- Hey, dude. - And you must be David Kalaiki Alii.
Yup. I guess you might have heard of me.
Hey. how's it going?
Yes. You are the person who did not answer present...
when I took roll 28 minutes ago.
Okay.
I see from Miss Charbonneau's notes that you all have some homework due.
So, I'll start with you, David.
I didn't do it. I'll take a C or a B or whatever.
I am not going to tell you how to do your job.
Peggy!
Hurry up and sit down before the PE coaches get here.
It gets in your clothes.
- So, how's your day going? - Glorious.
Although, can I ask you if you know a student named David Kalaiki Alii?
The Flying Hawaiian. He runs the 40 in 4.5.
Yes. Anyway...
I checked David's records and he has a B-plus average overall.
But he seems to have trouble applying himself in geometry.
Marlin Atwater, Assistant Driver's Ed/Health.
Peggy, David is our star fullback.
He doesn't have a lot of time to study, so we cut him some slack.
At Tom Landry Middle School, we would never think of extending...
special privileges to the athletes.
Peggy, this isn't middle school, this is real life.
We've got college football scouts at our games...
and they're not coming to watch David draw a triangle.
Don't worry, Peggy. David Kalaiki Alii is un-teachable anyway.
Un-teachable?
I spent six weeks in Health trying to get him to brush up and down.
He's like a wall.
And he continued to sleep peacefully. It was pure chaos.
Well, how about that?
Your first day on campus and you already met David Kalaiki Alii.
He's The Flying Hawaiian!
If I were two years younger...
Well, first, he is your age. And second...
David is considered a special case. They call him "un-teachable."
Well, he can't be good at everything.
You'd be surprised, Bobby.
He plays offense, defense, and returns punts.
It looks like Luanne isn't the only one with a crush on David.
But you know what? He's just another student to me.
No different from the nerds or the suck-ups.
And I have decided to give that boy the high-school education he deserves.
So, it may only be a theory...
[School bell ringing]
But it will, in fact, be on next week's midterm.
Oh, wait. David. Honey, can you spare a moment?
I wanted to talk to you about your class work.
I have noticed that you have a zero grade.
You have no homework points and no participation points.
[Grunts in assent]
I would like to tutor you after class.
I have football practice after class.
How about geometry practice after that...
with a play book by Coach Peggy Hill?
Okay.
And, David, I'm glad we got to rap.
- There you are! - David.
David.
David!
[Pop music playing on car stereo]
David!
David, you forgot your notes.
Hey, you know, you run fast.
PEGGY: Stop!
Okay. Please hand in your midterm.
[School bell ringing]
David, I just want to say that it has been a pleasure educating you.
I think I have learned just as much from you as you have from me.
- Well. - Okay.
[Tense instrumental music]
Okay. Quarter inch to the left, and eighth inch back to the right.
- No, an eighth. - Hank! We just lost our star fullback.
- What? What happened? - Peggy Hill happened.
"No pass, no play!" She flunked David.
Now he's out for three weeks academic suspension.
Do you know what happens in those three weeks?
San Marcos, Belton, McMaynerbury. McMaynerbury, Hank!
Now, hold on. I'm sure it was just an accident.
No, Hank. This is an accident.
Now you got two messes to clean up.
How could you flunk The Flying Hawaiian?
Haven't you ever heard of "no pass, no play"?
Do not try to pin all of this on me. I only did the "no pass."
What happens after that is none of my business.
I want you to change his grade.
If I were to give David a passing grade, that would be a failure on my part.
And I am not failing. I am doing A work.
This is crunch time. We're going up against San Marcos...
Belton, and McMaynerbury. McMaynerbury!
We need him to go to state.
I am sorry, Hank. But teaching high school is my "going to state."
No offense, Peggy, but I don't see anybody renting buses to go to your state.
Hey, guys. You know, the strangest thing happened today.
A giant rat crawled into my inbox and died.
- What happened to your frames? - They suddenly went out of style.
This is about David, isn't it?
David did failing work. He got a failing grade.
Of all people, I would expect my fellow educators to support me.
You want to change the world, go back to middle school.
It's too late here.
ANNOUNCER: Anda third fumble from senior Charlie Macken...
who was named Allen's Scholar Athlete of the Year!
He's all yours, Princeton!
PRESIDENT: All right. We can absorb this loss.
And it wasn't a conference game.
And we'll probably squeak by next week...
because Belton's still reeling from the drug bust!
And then it's McMaynerbury!
And there's not a single addict on that mother-loving team!
Dickie, there's got to be something in those law books of yours.
Look under "loophole."
What if we got him a work-study like I had at the print shop my junior year?
Yeah. David drops Mrs. Hill's class, takes a work-study at Terrell's print shop.
Hey, look, I got Billy breathing down my neck as it is.
I don't need another punk in there making me look bad.
I volunteer Strickland Propane to jump through this little loophole.
Now, David can work for me till the swallows get back from Capastrami.
Hank, can you slap together a make-up mid-term?
I'll do it quickly, but it won't be slapped together.
And the vaporization rate of a 100-pound propane cylinder...
at 70 degrees Fahrenheit, is how many BTU's per hour?
Can I have a chair?
- Propane 101? - Yeah.
It's a work-study thing approved by the Board of Education.
So, you and your waffle boys did an end run around Peggy Hill.
Peggy, years from now no one will remember what a hexagon is...
but you win state and that goes up on the water tower.
- And how is David doing? - David is doing great.
He knows more about propane than any Hawaiian I've ever met.
He does? Oh, what was I thinking?
I am in over my head.
What made me think that I could teach high school?
I so wanted to be like Welcome Back, K otter.
Now I'm like the real Gabe Kaplan. I am a loser.
Okay. The test is gonna be one essay question...
open serviceman's manual.
Just tell me what you love most about propane.
Nice hand-off.
Just like the one you did three weeks ago in the game.
All right. Let's see what we got here.
Okay.
"Strickland Propane...
"does not have a vending machine.
"It smells, and I thank God every day I get home...
"that I didn't get exploded. The end."
May God have mercy on me.
David passed, didn't he?
Oh, yeah. I guess he did pass.
I gave him an A.
So coupled with my F...
your A brings him to a respectable passing C.
Well, good for you. Good for David.
Good for Arlen football. Everybody's a winner.
Yeah. Though the principal kind of threw out your F.
So right now he's on honor roll.
I just wanted you to hear that from me.
All I'm saying is you have the tendencies of a Capricorn.
- There's Hank! - Hey!
[Singing] For Hank's a jolly good fellow For Hank's a jolly good fellow
Because we're going to state
Because he gave David Kalaiki Alii an A.
- Because he gave-- - All right.
I will not have a respected educator bend over for his own beer.
Make Peggy do it. She's got to be good for something.
Now, that is not fair, Dale. Peggy did the best she could.
Which was crappy.
So, I'm afraid I will have to take an emergency medical leave.
Well, I have diagnosed myself as having the early stages...
of single-digit carpal tunnel syndrome.
Or as I call it, "chalk finger."
[Hank sighs]
David failed that test. His essay made me want to vomit.
Which I did. But I gave him that A to get us to state.
Hank Hill, I am speechless. I literally have nothing to say.
Not one word.
Nada.
Zilch.
Zero.
I don't know what you're waiting for.
[Men cheering loudly]
All right!
Get this beautiful human being some waffles.
MAN 1: Yeah! Way to go, Hank!
[Men booing]
MAN 2: Get her out of here.
David Kalaiki Alii received an A...
on his propane exam.
All right!
But he deserved an F.
[All cheering excitedly]
Long live, Hank!
Now, my wife Peggy...-.
[Crowd booing]
Now, hold on.
Sure, a week ago I would have been booing my wife...
HANK: right along with you guys. DALE: You were, Hank.
Yeah.
But what I realized is that she was right all along.
It's time to ground The Flying Hawaiian. I'm giving him an F.
Too late. I already turned in the sign-off sheet and the grade.
David is in!
Sir, did you read that essay?
It's a classic.
"I thank God every day I didn't get exploded."
Gets to you.
Excuse me. But I cannot let you ruin that boy's life.
I think that there might be people...
who would be interested in the fact that David is being deprived of an education...
such as his mother, and the school board...
and the secretary of education.
Whoa right there! Wait a minute.
Look. We don't want to go dragging the boy's mother into this.
I'm sure we could work something out.
You may keep your creamy bribe. We are going to his mother.
And we are gonna tell on you.
The Booster Club is cheating David out of an education.
And what is worse, David is cheating himself.
I'd like to show you something.
David is learning disabled.
He studies every day as soon as he gets home from practice...
until he falls asleep every night.
I usually come in and find him slumped over his desk...
using that play book you made him as a pillow.
He's a good boy. He just has trouble retaining anything.
He deserves an A for effort, though.
No wonder even I couldn't teach him.
Sports is all God gave David.
And it's the only way he'll get to college.
Well, then...
we're sorry to have disturbed you, Mrs. Kalaiki Alii.
And the Oscar goes to me!
Come on out, fellows.
We smoked them good. Bought it hook, line, and sinker.
Thanks to you, Mrs. K.A.
Hey, what's all this crap?
Where's all my Swanks?
We kept you in the game, stud.
Hey. what's going on?
I know all my ABC's.
The Hills were gonna turn you in for flunking.
- We told them you were a slowpoke. - I'm not stupid.
I can't believe you did this.
It's so...
stupid.
David, stupid is going to get you to college.
I'll tell you what's stupid.
Me giving you that Trans Am if you ain't gonna drive us to state!
Hey, Miss Hill.
Oh, no, David. The pep rally is down the hallway, honey.
Wait. Did you poop yourself?
I deserve that.
I guess if I'd worked harder...
you guys wouldn't be so willing to believe I was learning-disabled.
You're not? But that explained everything.
It was all a sham.
My mom and the Booster Club cooked it up.
Wait. "Sham," that's the right word, right?
Yes. But I would have said "scheme." It conveys more sneakiness.
Yeah. Well, I've been thinking about this "no pass, no play" stuff.
And if I don't pass, then I should "no play."
Really?
I probably should have something to fall back on, anyway.
I mean, the odds of me not making pro are what, 50-50?
So, what do you say you teach me geometry before the game?
I am so proud of you, David.
But I could not even teach Albert Einstein all of geometry...
in an afternoon.
Even if it meant that Einstein's team could go to state.
Wait.
Maybe there is something you can learn in an afternoon.
HANK: So, you see, propane is a liquid.
But it comes out as a gas.
What you need, David, is a way of associating the lesson...
with something that's familiar to you.
For instance, okay, Gatorade is a liquid...
but when you dump it on the coach, it's a gas. Get it?
- I get that. - Great!
Hey, but that's not right.
And if you want to remember the chemical formula for propane C3H8...
maybe you could remember it like an audible.
C! Three! H! Eight! Propane!
Propane! Hike!
You guys need a ride?
I'm gonna be smoking on that field!
But not near a propane tank because propane is flammable.
ANNOUNCER: And here he is, back after a short educational hiatus...
The Flying Hawaiian, David Kalaiki Alii!
Who's stupid now, huh? Not David.
Yup. Not David, Hank. Not David at all.
PEGGY: I don't know what you're waiting for.